Dear Author...PLEASE DON'T.......

I don't have a guest today.....I have about a thousand!  Taking a cue from a fun post an author friend shared on a facebook group I belong to, I'm sharing a hilarious Amazon customer discussion she found called Author, Please Don't..., wherein the Amazon reader addresses the authors with their pet peeves related to what they've been reading recently. (some posts have been changed to protect the guilty)! I picked out my favorites, but seriously, they were so funny.  See how many you might be guilty of, then run, don't walk, to your latest WIP, and make those changes as quick as you can.  based on the tone of some of these responses, these readers are NOT messing around.  Then leave a comment and let me know which ones bug you too!

AUTHOR, PLEASE DON'T..........

• let your hero have a disgusting habit, like smoking cigars (even if he's rich) or chewing and spitting tobacco (even if he's a cowboy)
• put today's name brands on items. I may want to reread your book 15 years from now!
• forget about your secondary characters, even if you have limited space. Try to have them all as real as possible; it takes away from the overall effect if they're all cardboard cutouts
• make your villains one-dimensional, everyone has a reason to do villainous things why not the ones in books?
• name your heroes Hunter, Connor, or [insert over-used name here] no matter how much you like the name... if you must use an over-used name go with classics like John, Sam or Robert... you guys are killing the 'exotic' names by making them common!
• base your characters (especially in a series) off of yourself, your current husband/lover or a close friend/family member... we can tell and it burns us... we hates it... >_< ...especially when you get divorced and turn the hero you make us love in books 1-4 into a prick we are supposed to hate in books 5-7.
• write without a dictionary, thesaurus, and an atlas at your side.
• make the villians easily identifiable by their greasy hair and bad fashion sense.
• please don´t make your heroine with red hair!!!!!
• have your heroine behave like an idiot and write it so that the hero finds this stupidity cute, winning, charming or adorable. There's a difference between making an error and lacking any common sense.
• have your hero behave like a sociopath - if the hero is, in fact, a sociopath, then the heroine should kill him and get on with her life
• use the words bro, sis or buckaroo. No one speaks like that.
• recycle the same storyline over and over, changing only the names of the characters and location.
• forget to proofread carefully. 
• forget that not all heroines have to be petite and blonde with huge breasts. 
• assume that your readers have read all the books in your series and know the backstory. A little information for those of us who haven't read the entire series would be greatly appreciated.
• Please DON'T use foreign words or phrases UNLESS you know what you're talking about. A little research would be appreciated.
• have several characters with the same first initial in their name: Cindy and Cissy or Tom and Todd. For goodness sakes, you've got the whole alphabet to choose from.
• use a name for the heroine which could be mistaken for a male: Morgan, Joey or Danny (believe me, I've seen each of these!!).
• and don't forget to let me know how much time is passing. Was it a day, a week, an hour? Help me keep up, I can't read your mind.
• Have your main characters make love every night for months without referring to that monthly challenge
• Have many bouts of love-making without at least ONCE (for crying out loud) reaching for a wash rag or the proverbial handkerchief. (It adds to the storyline rather than detracts from it.)
• Please don't forget to put a little variety in your love-making,  Heroes don't "hold still" and then relax at the critical moment.)
• Please do keep track of your time as we are
• give your hero a moustache - or your heroine, for that matter.
• discuss the amount of body hair your heroine has
• try to convince me that rape/sexual abuse is sexy, and equals a lasting, once-in-a-lifetime love
• have a fight in the bedroom while their naked in bed and then he leaves out jumps in the car WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON?
• make me read the roller coaster ride of a plot you've put the hero through and then on the last page of the last sentence a shot rings out and then I have to wait for the sequel except it won't come out until two years from now
• if you're going to do erotic, keep the animals out the bed and if he/she is a shape shifter, it's not cute to change in the middle of a love scene, it's just bestiality.
• flesh out your secondary characters.
• quit giving me detail descriptions of how to get somewhere on a freeway across town including the turn right and left thing.
• give me three sentence love scenes. GAWD I HATE THAT! Especially in erotica.
• don't jump POV's to the hero's baby momma's cousin (Valencia Williams did that in Hottest Summer Ever)
• Switch tenses throughout your whole story
• talk slang outside of the dialogue in the narration part
• have any more baby momma drama books. (at least rework it as a surprise to us or something, but vindictive women getting revenge on baby daddy's is not romantic anymore.)
• Make every hero a man whore. Sometimes less experienced guys are hot too.
• Sermonize in your fiction. I don't care if its vegetarianism, your favorite brand of shoes, or social responsibility. Having your character lecture your readers is annoying!
• Don't forget to include a plot. The days when I Read romance novels for sex are pretty much over. A storyline would be nice.
• Characters should have some sexual quirks. Not every character is going to like it the same way.
• Forget your characters have jobs, lives, and other responsibilities. Sure the sex is great, the hero hot, but don't have your character give up everything for their hot significant other.
• (this is probably a personal peeve, but I'm including it). Have too much girl talk. I don't have a clutch of gossiping girlfriends who dish men, and reading about it is boring. I can't enjoy the heroine if she's acting like a gossiping cat.
• If you're going to use magick have the character be concerned about consequences. Sure its easy to brainwash the neighbor so he doesn't see you're vampire masquerade ball, but what are the ethical ramifications of using powers without consequence?
• If you're writing a twenty-five year old college student, don't make her act like a 60 year old matron whose never seen a guy naked. 
• have your heroine's innocence unrealistic; IMO having her experience her first kiss at age 25 is odd.
• fall into the habit of the 'alpha male.' A guy doesn't have to be an arrogant bastard to get a girl.
• have all your men be whores and your women be virgins. If nothing else, it's statistically improbable. (In fact, for each book like this you've written, try writing another with an experienced female and virgin male.)
• make the reader wait until half the book is over before the hero and heroine even meet
• make the hero an arrogant jerk (a man can be strong without being mentally abusive or controlling)
• make the hero drink the heroine's breastmilk
• write big sections of history that read like a textbook in a historical romance (I want romance, not a history lesson)
• write a historical romance and not give the year
• set a book in modern times where the hero is old enough to be the heroine's grandfather, and then treat the age difference like it's not an issue
• have the heroine lose her virginity, then go on to have sex 8 times the same night in 6 different positions (can you say ouch??)
• make kids perfect angels. Yes, children can bring some of the greatest joy in life, but the also need their diapers changed, get colic, have tantrums, and, unless you're one of the lucky few, don't sleep through the night from day one.
• make kids total brats, and their parents too wimpy to discipline them
• disregard development charts. Two-day old babies do not laugh, babble, or try to crawl.
• have all women sail through pregnancy. Some of us actually do get stretch marks and morning sickness
• make the hero and heroine wimps who won't stand up to their parents
• spend all the time writing sex and no relationship. One or two well-written love scenes is usually sufficient.
• trick readers by mislabelling your work. If it's erotica, then say so!
• have the entire book hinge on some stupid misunderstanding that could be cleared up with two sentences. Please, let's have some books with real relationship issues!
• have the hero and heroine bicker like children for most of the book
• have the hero think about nothing else but getting laid (healthy sexual appetite, fine, but viewing every woman as a sex object, no).
• have the hero and heroine having sex two seconds after they meet.
• have the hero sleep with prostitutes. If it would be considered repulsive for a man in modern times to pick up a hooker, why is it okay in a historical novel?
• make the hero a man-whore. Why won't someone write a book where both the hero and heroine are virgins? Believe me, in today's times with girls reading Cosmo at age 14, they could figure it out and have fun doing it!
• give one of the main characters a disability, then have them magically recover by the end of the book. People who have difficulties with sight, hearing or walking deserve love too! Characters do not have to be physically perfect.
• make the hero and heroine unlikeable!
• neglect to develop a secondary romance, if you put one in. Otherwise it shouldn't be there at all.
• use the "love at first sight" theme. It looks lazy. Anyone can say that a couple is in love--show us how they got there.
• forget to develop your characters along with your plot. Lovable, well-rounded characters are what make a story stay with a reader long after the book is finished.

Wasn't this the most entertaining?  Now, add some more of your own...let me know what makes you stop and scratch your head or just want to pull your hair out! 

New Interview I Did!

I am reposting a terrific interview I had the pleasure of doing with a fellow author Iris Blobel from over at Astraea Press.  Her book is Sweet Dreams, Miss England, found on the Astraea Press website and Amazon. Check it out!

Interview with Author Samantha Combs

As many of you know I have recently signed up with Astraea Press. One reason for my excitement was that I am now amongst a wonderful group of very, very talented writers.

Today I have the pleasure to introduce you to Samantha Combs, author of "Spellbound". The blurb reads:

Logan Daniels has always led a sheltered life in sleepy, predictable Lancaster, New Hampshire. But when beautiful Serena suddenly appears at school one day, his comfortable existence becomes anything but as he finds himself falling in love with her. There’s something special about Serena Starr. He realizes what it is when he sees her unleash her spells. Soon, a mysterious and foreboding presence settles over his placid home.

Logan and Serena find themselves battling darkness and evil with an ominous mission: it wants Serena and will stop at nothing to have her. Tearing apart Logan’s town, threatening his friends, even causing harm to his family, the demon will spread its doom over every facet of Logan’s once placid life. Logan matures in ways he could never have imagined as he struggles to protect those he loves, including Serena. But he can't do it alone.

Serena hails from a long line of able and powerful women who will aide in the battle and perhaps settle a score of their own. The strength of the coven and Serena's love will be behind him, but ultimately this is Logan’s fight to win. But, will he?

Q: Tell me about your book. How did you come up with that?

A:  My five year old kept telling me she wanted to marry Edward the vampire! LOL. I got tired of hearing that so I asked her what if mommy wrote a book, what should I write about? Without hesitation, she goes “Witches, momma!” So I sat down and intended to write her a little story for bedtime. I guess the muse was lurking and waiting to pounce. Once I started writing, she grabbed me, unleashed the characters, they all got in the car and took over.

Q: How did you get interested in writing this particular genre?

A: I don’t feel like a forty-something mom. In my head I feel like a teen so I guess that's why the genre, YA, comes to me naturally. Also, there is absolutely nothing paranormal ANYTHING in my life, so the idea of something supernatural and fantastical is so delicious, its so fun to write about it.

Q: Did you have to do any kind of research for this book?

A: This book is set in Lancaster, New Hampshire and I visited there once (to visit an old boyfriend, whatever, move on), so the only research I actually had to do was remembering the names of some of the places and street names. Most of the rest of it I have personally visited. And I have actually been to the Old Man in the Mountain before the natural accident caused the face to fall off. (now those of you from the Northeast know I am telling the truth about my age!)

Q: What is the hardest part of writing for you?

A: Sometimes it is giving myself over to the idea that I don’t know where the story arc is going. I am what is called a “pantser” writer, or a seat-of-the-pants writer, meaning I don’t outline or plot my story. I basically think I know where I want the story to go, sit at the laptop, then sort of come to a couple hours later. I read over what I wrote and am amazed the story went NOWHERE where I thought it might, yet I am thrilled with the direction. Sometimes I think that sounds slightly insane, but aren’t all writers a bit nuts anyway? As solitary an endeavour as writing is, don’t we all pace, and mutter to ourselves and celebrate our victories when no one is in the room? (Please all say yes!)

Q: What’s the best thing about being an author? 

A: Having a thought or feeling or idea and being able to express it so perfectly in words that it almost brings you to tears.

Q: What are you working on now? 

A: Two YA paranormals at once, one about a vampire hunter (not done to death yet!) and one about a girl whose father was a sea creature. I write in whichever one I feel like. It’s like shoes. I decide which one I want to put on that day. Otherwise I get bored and start to hate the one pair.

Q: What advice would you give aspiring writers?

A: If you don’t write every day, don’t beat yourself up. It means you’re not supposed to. If you force it, you will just end up deleting it the next day and be that much farther behind. I write when I am moved to. Happily, I am moved to a lot. My muse is a bitchy, slave driving sort. LOL

Q: Do you have any favorite authors or favorite books?

A: I love Stephen King. My current favourite book is Saving CeeCee Honeycutt, by Beth Hoffman. I screamed with laughter.

  
Q: What question have you always wanted to be asked in an interview? How would you answer that question?  

A: I always wanted to be asked in an interview what would be the most wonderful thing to happen to you as an author? Here is the answer: To be in a book reading attended entirely by children and have a mom come up to me and say “My child never liked reading until he/she read your book. Thank you for introducing my child to books.”

Thank you very much, Samantha, for taking the time to take part in this interview. I love your last answer - it is so true!

Samantha Combs' "Spellbound" is available at Astraea Press, Amazon and other online bookstores. Please spare a few minutes to check out this wonderful book - I'm sure you won't regret it!

I would also like to congratulate Samantha on her second book (WIP - Juice and the High School Ghost) which is going to be released with Astraea Press as well and selling another book to Aspen Mountain Press, through their new imprint Aura Spec-fic.

Tweeting Benefits

I now have seen the light.  Today, one day after I started using Twitter, I have gone up 20% in my ranking on Amazon.  Now, I am no math whiz, so I called my father-in-law to do this math for me.  Here's the skinny:  yesterday, I ranked #240,580 paid in kindle store on SPELLBOUND.  This is before I went to dinner with the family for my husband's birthday which was on June 30th.  I wanted to tell my F in law.  Then I looked it up today to see if I dropped, which I had the day before yesterday, from #239 something.  It said that today, paid in kindle store ranking is....wait for it.......#78,860!    WHAT!  WHAT?  WHAT!

So I called my father in law 4 seconds later and demanded he do the math.  Apparently, this means I am in the top 11%.  WHAT!!!!!   In a day?  Only thing I am doing different, besides asking for reviews from my fave bloggers (none in yet, exercising patience, not my best trait), is I joined Twitter.  And am tweeting.  So, now count me as a breathless, drooling, faithful true believer.  I don't know if ANYONE ever reads this blog, but there has to now be irrefutable proof that SOMEONE is reading my tweets.  (Welcome to my world, GeeCarl...loved your talk on humor at the LA Writers Convention last September.  Read every one of your columns!)  So, hope all bear with me while I get the hang of the tweeting thing.  COUNT ME AS A TRUE CONVERT!  And thank you, every one of you who did buy Spellbound.  I wrote it for you, I wrote it for your daughters, I wrote it for everyone who has ever read a whole book on a delicious uninterrupted weekend day when they could read a whole book beginning to end because at the end of the day, the written word is like oxygen......it gets you high!

Official Release Date!

I have communicated with my publisher and understand that SPELLBOUND is now in the final line edits and is about to go to the proof reader.  The final release date is still slated to be next Tuesday, June 14th.  Even though this is a virtual release date, in that I am not physically appearing anywhere, and my invitations are going out on FaceBook, I must confess, I am actually begin to feel nervous!

All mt energies have gone into the writing, then the editing, now the preparation of the book.  As I prepare the virtual invitation list to go out, and several of the invites will go to reviewers, the realization comes to me that not only will people READ the book, they will also REVIEW it.  My fellow author, Monique O'Connor James' book, THE KEEPERS, has already received four reviews on Amazon (so, one of them was mine, whatever, move on) and I understand, maybe finally, that people will do that about my book.  So, the fear and a tiny bit on self-doubt creeps in.

It's the same doubt that I allowed to creep in when I received rejections from agents.  Even the ones who didn't send the boilerplate rejection letters and spent time sending me some specific, personalized letters that really gave me some unbelievable critiques.  I read on an agent's blog one time that when you begin to consistently receive personalized no thank you's, you know you are getting close to being accepted, that you can know you are a good writer.  Thing is, it doesn't lessen the sting of NO any more, though.

I'll never forget the feeling when I received the offer from Astraea Press.  I had to read the email more than twice because I was so used to reading the decline letter, I would just skim them and pick out the pertinent words.  Skim, skim, skim and there it is, thanks but not our kind, dear.

So, my wonderful new publisher, the savvy and supportive Stephanie Taylor, is releasing my debut novel, SPELLBOUND, Tuesday, June 14th, initially as an e-book and then on Amazon and Smashbooks as a paperback and hardcover.  And from a writer, an author is born.  Look for your invitation, it will be coming soon!

My Fellow Author is Kicking Butt!

A quick post to share a victory with whoever might read my blog.  My fellow author at Astraea Press, Monique O'Connor James is #22 on the Amazon rankings with Young Adults for The Keepers!  Woo-Hoo!  She just released today with her new book and she is already posting the most incredible numbers.

Congratulations Monique!  I can only hope I do as well a week from today.  You are a total rock star!